So, its been a while since I've been on here and after reading my post from two months ago it is clear to me that some things never change. While I was able to figure out the situation from the last post, I find that I am once again in a hopeless situation. Why is it that I have so much trouble with relationships? Do I expect too much and give too little? Am I not meant to be in a relationship? Perhaps I don't deserve love. I'm not sure. All I know is that I once again pushed this man away. I said horrible things to him. To be honest there were things about him that bothered me but for the most part, my inability to deal properly with my emotions led to this.
What is this? I'm not sure. I guess we are over. That is what I told him and then that is what he told me. I realize too late what it is I want. He now "cares" about me but no longer wants to be with me. I know I hurt him and he hurt me. My head knows that I deserve this for all the horrible things I said to him and for the way I treated him but my heart......my heart still loves. My heart aches for him. I feel hopeless and alone and misunderstood and unloveable. My heart has all the answers. My heart wants me to love him the way he deserves to be loved. My head wont let my heart win. My head is logical, my heart is sentimental.
He wont even talk to me. I feel ridiculous trying to tell him in text how sorry I am. I want to see him in person. I want him to see my face, see the hurt I am going through. I want to see his face. I want to see with my own eyes that he is, in fact, over this. My heart wont believe it. My head says let go. I am just full of conflicting emotions. I dont know what to do. I am lost and alone with thoughts that wont stop.
He texted me tonight. Asked how I was. Why? Here I am trying to let go, trying to forget. Then out of the blue he texts me and says things like "I still care about you" Why not just say I've moved on? I care about you!?!???!?!?!? I have unfriended him, deleted all his messages, deleted his number in my phone. I dont want to be tempted to contact him and beg for him to give me another chance and then he texts me. We text back and forth for an hour and then after I foolishly pour my heart out in a text......nothing. No response. WTF?!?!?!? Now I am just miserable and confused and lost.
I regret so much. I hate myself. I hate this situation. I just want him to talk to me. Why I dont know. I know it will not end the way I want and I will only hurt more but I want to see him, hear his voice.
I need to accept this for what it is.
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