Why Do I Do This To Myself?

So today was a rather good day. After finding an excuse to text Jon last nite we had a mini convo with him saying that he would talk to me this week. This will be the first time we have seen each other since we ended things. I wont lie the fact that he finally said he would talk to me eased the pain that I am feeling and my head immediately went to all the things I would say to him.

I spent the day in a good mood, thinking that he still cares about me or why would he agree to talk to me, right? By the end of the workday, I had convinced myself that everything was gonna work out. He did still love me. Yes, I had hurt him but he was ready to talk and I knew just the things to say to help him understand where I was coming from.

All the while my head is throwing in " He's not gonna talk to you. He doesnt still love you. He is OVER You!!!!" Well, that darn heart of mine refused to listen. So I'm all excited to talk to him - thinking he will definitely wanna talk tonight. Why wouldnt he? We need to talk.

Well, it is now almost 8pm and I havent heard from him and the more I think about it the more I realize what a fool I am. He never said when he wanted to talk....it was just a general we'll talk. If it was important to him he would've asked when we could talk. 

I need to get it through my head that we are over. He is over it. I no longer am important to him. I do not matter. I need to get over it.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I build things up in my heart when my head is telling me the truth? I make everything worse than it needs to be. Why cant I just let go?

So what should I do? Text him and beg him to talk to me so that I can just get the final "it's over" over and done with? Just let it go and try like hell to move on and not stare at my phone? Will it hurt worse to hear him say it to my face? Probably. I mean, today was kinda a good day but what will tomorrow be like? Isnt it better just to get this over with so that I can quit trying to come up with reasons why it cant be over?

Why or why am I such a fool?

Regrets

This post is for you.

I know deep in my heart that we are over. You have no idea how much this pains my heart. How I wish that things were different.

You and I have been the best of friends for over 5 yrs. It was you who knew all my secrets, it was you who I shared everything with. You were there for me when no one else was. It was only natural for us to end up together. Unfortunately, we went about it all wrong. It is the way we went about it that eventually led to our demise. You know this. I know this.

Deep down, I knew that we would never be able to overcome all the obstacles we set up for us, but, I hoped that we would somehow be able to find a way to make this work. I wish that we had been able to do that.

I want to tell you that even though things never went smoothly for us, I loved you with all my heart. I know I failed to show you how much you meant to me and for that I am sorry. It pains me to know that you will never know how much I truely do care for you. Had I known that this is how it would end, I think that I would have done everything differently. I would not have held back my feelings. I would have never put up walls. I would have loved with abandon knowing that what time I had with you was limited. When you are in the middle of a relationship you never think that it will end. You think you have time to make up for any mistakes you make. The truth is that every moment you have with the one you love could be your last so you should make every effort to let that person know just how wonderful you think they are. Don't let other peoples opionions of your relationship dictate how you act towards the one you love. I failed miserably. I know that I made you feel bad. I am sorry. I know that doesnt change anything. I know its too little, too late. Please know, though, that I think you are a wonderful man, dedicated father, whose heart is bigger than most.

I wish you nothing but the best in life. I hope that you find what makes you happy. I wish that we could be friends but I know that I will never be able to do that. It will be much too painful to see you living your life without me.

I miss you and I love you. I wish that those words meant something to you but I know that they no longer do. It breaks my heart to know that I broke yours. I am sorry for all the hurt I've caused you. You have no idea how much I hate myself.

I love you Jon. I always will. You will forever have a place in my heart.

Some Things Never Change

So, its been a while since I've been on here and after reading my post from two months ago it is clear to me that some things never change. While I was able to figure out the situation from the last post, I find that I am once again in a hopeless situation. Why is it that I have so much trouble with relationships? Do I expect too much and give too little? Am I not meant to be in a relationship? Perhaps I don't deserve love. I'm not sure. All I know is that I once again pushed this man away. I said horrible things to him. To be honest there were things about him that bothered me but for the most part, my inability to deal properly with my emotions led to this.

What is this? I'm not sure. I guess we are over. That is what I told him and then that is what he told me. I realize too late what it is I want. He now "cares" about me but no longer wants to be with me. I know I hurt him and he hurt me. My head knows that I deserve this for all the horrible things I said to him and for the way I treated him but my heart......my heart still loves. My heart aches for him. I feel hopeless and alone and misunderstood and unloveable. My heart has all the answers. My heart wants me to love him the way he deserves to be loved. My head wont let my heart win. My head is logical, my heart is sentimental.

He wont even talk to me. I feel ridiculous trying to tell him in text how sorry I am. I want to see him in person. I want him to see my face, see the hurt I am going through. I want to see his face. I want to see with my own eyes that he is, in fact, over this. My heart wont believe it. My head says let go. I am  just full of conflicting emotions. I dont know what to do. I am lost and alone with thoughts that wont stop.

He texted me tonight. Asked how I was. Why? Here I am trying to let go, trying to forget. Then out of the blue he texts me and says things like "I still care about you" Why not just say I've moved on? I care about you!?!???!?!?!? I have unfriended him, deleted all his messages, deleted his number in my phone. I dont want to be tempted to contact him and beg for him to give me another chance and then he texts me. We text back and forth for an hour and then after I foolishly pour my heart out in a text......nothing. No response. WTF?!?!?!? Now I am just miserable and confused and lost.

I regret so much. I hate myself. I hate this situation. I just want him to talk to me. Why I dont know. I know it will not end the way I want and I will only hurt more but I want to see him, hear his voice.

I need to accept this for what it is.

Why?

I feel like my world is quickly crumbling. Everything seems to be falling apart and I feel as though I have lost control. How did it get this bad? I'm not sure how it happened.
I feel that I am losing someone who loved me with all their heart and soul but I kept pushing them away & now that I have decided to put myself out there and take the leap that person no longer seems to love me. My heart is breaking. I feel so hopeless.
Something changed this last weekend. When he left, he loved me wanted to be with me. When he came back...not so much. My fear is that he met someone else. It has always been my fear that he would realize he was crazy to love me. It is literally making me crazy. I can't stop thinking about him, about what could have happened this past weekend to bring about such an abrupt change in him.
Do I only want what I cant have? I just dont know what to do......I am miserable.