Regrets

This post is for you.

I know deep in my heart that we are over. You have no idea how much this pains my heart. How I wish that things were different.

You and I have been the best of friends for over 5 yrs. It was you who knew all my secrets, it was you who I shared everything with. You were there for me when no one else was. It was only natural for us to end up together. Unfortunately, we went about it all wrong. It is the way we went about it that eventually led to our demise. You know this. I know this.

Deep down, I knew that we would never be able to overcome all the obstacles we set up for us, but, I hoped that we would somehow be able to find a way to make this work. I wish that we had been able to do that.

I want to tell you that even though things never went smoothly for us, I loved you with all my heart. I know I failed to show you how much you meant to me and for that I am sorry. It pains me to know that you will never know how much I truely do care for you. Had I known that this is how it would end, I think that I would have done everything differently. I would not have held back my feelings. I would have never put up walls. I would have loved with abandon knowing that what time I had with you was limited. When you are in the middle of a relationship you never think that it will end. You think you have time to make up for any mistakes you make. The truth is that every moment you have with the one you love could be your last so you should make every effort to let that person know just how wonderful you think they are. Don't let other peoples opionions of your relationship dictate how you act towards the one you love. I failed miserably. I know that I made you feel bad. I am sorry. I know that doesnt change anything. I know its too little, too late. Please know, though, that I think you are a wonderful man, dedicated father, whose heart is bigger than most.

I wish you nothing but the best in life. I hope that you find what makes you happy. I wish that we could be friends but I know that I will never be able to do that. It will be much too painful to see you living your life without me.

I miss you and I love you. I wish that those words meant something to you but I know that they no longer do. It breaks my heart to know that I broke yours. I am sorry for all the hurt I've caused you. You have no idea how much I hate myself.

I love you Jon. I always will. You will forever have a place in my heart.